Hooking up is a true roller coaster of adventures and mishaps when you don’t have enough money for a swanky AF bedroom yet, and you definitely don’t have the money to live in a home without roommates. It’s a tangled web but somehow, twentysomethings still manage to get laid. Maybe we’ll look back on this decade fondly in the future, who knows.
1. When he’s just using you because you have an actual bed and it honestly feels like sleeping on a cloud compared to his mattress-on-the-floor situation. Ikea bed frames are not very expensive. A bed is not a bed if it’s just a mattress on the floor — elevate that shit and then go home and sleep in it by yourself, instead of turning a perfectly good half-night stand into an awkward full-night stand.
2. Not knowing if he’s gonna do sex like a horny frat boy who’s scared his dorm mate is gonna come home, or like a grown, adult man. Your 20s are a time of transition in a lot of ways. You get your first real job, you probably move somewhere new, you try new things … And while all these changes are happening, young men blossom from jackhammering, horn dog coeds into men who (hopefully) know how foreplay, good sex, and pacing work. You never know where the man you’re about to hook up with is in his own transformation.
3. When you sleep over but don’t have sex, and wonder if maybe he thinks you’re married now. And you just both kind of lie there, cuddling, wondering if you’re allowed to think, This is so nice, or, Oh my god, are we engaged? Should I call my mom? What’s happening right now?
4. Crossing your fingers that you don’t walk in on his roommate pooping in the bathroom, or worse, that his roommate doesn’t walk in on you in the bathroom. I imagine that someday, my peers and I will be of the life position to live alone, unhindered by roommates who are seemingly always in the bathroom. But for now, I suggest knocking on any doors before opening them. It’s only safe.
5. Banging your head on his wall and wondering if you have a concussion now, because what man in his 20s actually has a headboard? It’s fine, I get it, most of our tiny little apartments aren’t big enough to accommodate for a headboard. But like, maybe prop some pillows up or something? This is dangerous and helmets aren’t all that sexy.
6. Realizing you’ve accidentally taken home a softboy who wants to stay up all night after hooking up to talk about his troubled childhood and all the women who’ve wronged him. There are a lot of Millennial softboys in our midst, and while they might be sensitive or whatever, a casual hookup isn’t exactly an excuse to spill all your drama on somebody, like they’re your private, horny psychiatrist.
7. Realizing you’ve accidentally taken home a fuckboy, who yells “HELL YA” when he comes, and you’re not totally sure, but you’re PRETTY sure that he has actual notches etched in his bedpost. It’s crazy how normal these guys seem when you meet them out in public, and how quickly they devolve into crazy bro monsters the minute you get them alone. Someone needs to tell these men that having an orgasm is not the same as scoring a touchdown.
8. Not knowing when the last time his sheets were cleaned, because it’s unclear whether or not he’s figured out how laundry works yet. Ick, agh, *cringe* no, just don’t look too closely at his sheets. They’re probably plaid anyway, so things just sorta … blend in.
9. Taking off his pants to find that he still thinks boxers with cartoon characters you watched as a child are funny and appropriate to wear. There is nothing sexy about a penis popping out of a fly next to a picture of Spongebob Squarepants. Maybe these are cute and funny to wear on days you don’t think you could possibly be having sex, but if there’s even the slightest chance of hookup that night, wear undergarments from the grown men’s section please.
10. Waking up the next morning and realizing he doesn’t have coffee, or a coffeemaker, or anything that can wake you up enough to stagger home. Carrie Bradshaw tried sleeping with a twentysomething guy only to run into this very dilemma: Twenty something guys don’t totally have their shit together yet, and you probably don’t either, but at least you have your priorities straight and keep a supply of caffeine in the home.
11. Having to stay up even later to masturbate after he goes home, because he couldn’t manage to give you a single orgasm. All that making out, fooling around, and actual sex, and still zilch, nada, nothin’. Where’s your vibrator?